How To Be A Good Sub

Table of Contents

Being a good sub should be your ultimate goal as a submissive. Pleasing your dom physically, verbally and emotionally is a key component of any healthy dom/sub relationship. To learn how to be the best sub you can possibly be, read this blog post.

Learn what drives your dom crazy

Foot fetish

To be a good submissive, you need to spend some time learning what drives your dom crazy. We mean good crazy i.e. fetishes, and bad crazy i.e. annoyed. This is extremely important as it will mean you know how best to please them. Before entering your new relationship communicate with your partner at length about what they enjoy about domination, or sadism. Try to discover if they have any particular fetishes such as feet, or orgasm control. Maybe they find a particular type of behaviour incredibly arousing in a submissive such as occasional disobedience. Then, if your new partner is willing to be open with you, try to understand why they love what they love. 

Taking the time to understand what gets them aroused will enable you to focus your efforts on doing the right things for your partner. Repeat this process to understand what annoys them about submissives, or generally frustrates them in the bedroom so that you can avoid making any mistakes.

Express your preferences and limits

If you have been a submissive before, or if you have been active in the BDSM community for a while, you may already know what you like and what you don’t like. However, if you’re unsure, you should explain to your dom what you would like to try, and exactly what you would not want to try under any circumstances. The latter is called your hard limit. An example of a hard limit could be breath play, or branding. Hard limits do not have to be permanent. You may decide to review them in the future. Having a hard limit doesn’t mean that you cannot fully submit to your Dominant either. It keeps both of you safe and happy.

Prepare your body and environment

To be a good sub it’s important to make sure that your body is prepared for any activity that you previously agree to. This could mean a variety of different things. If you have agreed to bondage you may wish to start going to yoga or pilates classes to improve your flexibility. If you have agreed to anal play, you may want to read a beginners guide to anal training. If you’ve never tried using toys, you should buy some on Lovehoney!

In addition to preparing your body, you want to make sure that your environment will be suitable. Will your dominant visit you? Will you visit them? Do they live alone? Where will you store any adult toys? These questions are all worth considering before the start of a new relationship. Make sure that you have what you need before jumping into a BDSM session.

Change your way of thinking

By becoming a submissive you will need to learn to change your entire way of thinking. It can take time to learn what to do when and how to respond to the needs of your dominant. This gradual process takes constant reinforcement. Some submissives even embark on formal training led by their dominant to mentally prepare them for what is required before anything physical happens.

Request permission

woman on phone

After being with your dominant for a while, you may start to get complacent. However, you must never try to take the lead. Always request permission before you do anything to, or with your dominant. Request permission before you touch him, in person. Ask him to give you the go ahead before you touch yourself if you’re playing solo. Recognise that certain things will be forbidden unless you get permission first.

Surprise your dom

Woman in sexy lingerie

It may seem counterintuitive to surprise your dom, when you should ask for permission before doing anything. However, good submissives recognise the difference between a good surprise and a bad surprise.

Examples of a good surprise:

  • Going shopping for new Bluebella lingerie and letting them choose the colour or cut
  • Providing a romantic or sexual service that you do not normally offer such as a massage or being a human foot stool for several hours
  • Acting more subservient by kneeling more, or kissing their feet when they come home from work
  • Making them their favourite meal, drink, or cocktail

Be thoughtful

thank you note

When you’re not physically with your partner, it’s still important to maintain a sense of connection (unless they have expressly said no to this). It’s not uncommon to finish a session and wake up to see bruises the next morning. These bruises can be a little bit like badges of honour. A secret memory of the time you spent together. Proof that you were a good submissive. So, why not take a picture of a particularly colourful bruise and send it to your dom? Not only could this make them aroused, but it would show them how you think about them every day. Alternatively you could leave your dom a thank you note the following morning.

Readily accept punishment

woman with hands tied bondage

At the beginning of your dominant/submissive relationship you would have outlined the rules with your partner, and the consequences for breaking them. If you break the rules, it’s important that you readily accept the punishment. It’s also necessary for you to respond in the way that your dominant wants you to. Your dominant may want to see you cry and beg them to stop. Alternatively, your dominant may expect you not to utter a word. Either way, your partner should reward you when you do an excellent job.

Don’t get jealous

man jealous of lover

Whilst it’s common for some dominants to have just one submissive, it’s not unheard of for dominants to have multiple submissives. There are lots of reasons for this. For example, some dominants charge for their services, or see multiple submissives because each person can cater to a different fetish. A wise dominant knows how to separate his submissive partners. A good submissive respects their dom’s decision.

Do not get jealous or interrogate your dom about who their other sub’s are. If you are jealous, or do not think you would enjoy a non-monogamous dom/sub relationship it is better to end things sooner rather than later. It becomes a lot harder to do this once you are in a more long term relationship.

Be obedient

hands tied submission

This tip is arguably one of the most obvious tips! But it’s often the one that submissives find the hardest. Obedience is typically the hardest at the very beginning of a relationship, or after several months in a relationship when a submissive may wish to try and push the boundaries. A good submissive recognises that boundaries should never ever be pushed. If, as a submissive you feel that you would like to break the rules then communicate with your partner about it first.

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