There is no one universal sign of bisexuality in males. All men are different whether they are bisexual, gay, straight, or asexual. There may be a few common traits but these traits may wildly vary from person to person. In this blog post we will briefly summarise sexuality, explore what to do if you, or your partner is bisexual, and then outline a few common signs of bisexuality in males.
What is sexuality?
Sexuality is not about who you have sex with, or how often you have it. Sexuality, or sexual orientation, describes the types of thoughts, and feelings, that an individual has for others.
What is bisexual?
A bisexual person is someone who can be romantically attracted, or sexually attracted to both men and women.
How do I know if I am bisexual?
In 1948, Dr Alfred Kinsey created the world-famous Kinsey Scale. Kinsey believed that sexuality was not binary. Instead, he suggested that sexuality should be viewed as a spectrum with everybody having their own place on the scale. On one end of the scale there is exclusive heterosexuality. On the other end of the scale, there is exclusive homosexuality. People exist somewhere between 0 and 6. The full scale is below.
0 – Exclusively heterosexual
1 – Predominantly heterosexual
2 – Mainly heterosexual but sometimes homosexual
3 – Bisexual
4 – Mainly homosexual but sometimes heterosexual
5 – Predominantly homosexual
6 – Exclusively homosexual
As you can see from Dr Kinsey’s scale, categories 2, 3 and 4 would all be classified as ‘bisexuality’. This means that if you feel as equally attracted to men, as you do women, or mostly attracted to one sex but are occasionally attracted to the other sex, you could still self identity as being bisexual. There is nothing abnormal about not being equally attracted to both sexes. In fact, the massive 2013 Pew Research LGBT Survey found that over 80% of bisexuals in committed relationships were with somebody of the opposite sex. Some bisexual men may have a preference for men whilst other’s might have a stronger preference for women. Both are completely normal!
Should I come out as bisexual?
Coming out as a bisexual man can often be just as challenging as coming out as gay. Insensitive comments about bisexual men being ‘greedy’, ‘indecisive’ or ‘wanting to have their cake, and eat it’ are sometimes made when a bisexual man comes out. Moreover, the depictions of bisexual men in the media are rarely positive. They tend to perpetuate negative stereotypes around promiscuity. Therefore it’s no wonder why Stonewall data shows that just 14% of bisexuals are open to everyone in their family, while 32% say they can’t be open about their sexual orientation with any of their friends.
Despite all of this, coming out can be extremely liberating. For many bisexual men a weight is lifted if their shoulders, and the finally feel able to be themselves after coming out. However, before coming out it’s important to make sure that you are in a safe environment, or can get to one. This is vital if you are young, or in a vulnerable position.
How do I come out as bisexual?
There is no one predefined way to come out. For some men it can be incredibly smooth. For other men, it can be messy. You may feel comfortable being open about your sexual orientation and gender identity with some people, but not with others.
The one common experience all queer men share when coming out is that they have to do it over and over again. LGBT individuals do not come out once. They are constantly ‘coming out’ to new friends, extended family, new co-workers, and sometimes strangers on the internet!
Before actually telling anybody, take a few moments to consider – who you want to tell first, and how. Many bisexual men tell a supportive friend first, and then move onto telling other friends, and family afterwards. However, you may wish to tell a parent first over the phone, or in a letter if you feel that they could be the least receptive upon hearing the news.
Your family might be shocked, worried or find it difficult to accept at first. But remember, their first reaction isn’t necessarily how they will feel forever. In time, most families see beyond their son’s sexuality and continue loving them regardless. They might just need a bit of time to process the revelation.
What are the signs of bisexuality in males?
As mentioned at the start of this blog post, there is no one universal sign of bisexuality in males. All men are different whether they are bisexual, gay, heterosexual , or asexual. However, these are a few of the most common examples as identified by experts and bisexual men who have reflected on their journey to sexual freedom.
Past behaviour can be a key indicator of bisexuality. If a man has voluntarily engaged in same-sex sexual experiences at any point in their lifetime it could suggest that they may be bisexual. This could be as small as a passionate kiss at university, or mutual masturbation in the army, or evem anal sex whilst under the influence of alcohol. Despite identifying as ‘straight’ during, and following these acts, this behaviour suggests that there is at least a small degree of same-sex attraction. On the Kinsey Scale, a man like this could be predominantly heterosexual (category 1), or mainly heterosexual but sometimes homosexual (category 2). Remember, the categories on the Kinsey Scale are fluid and can change constantly.
Modern society is more liberal now that it ever has been. Many men may not understand homosexuality, but they understand that who somebody chooses to sleep with should not matter to them. However, some bisexual men who haven’t come out may be extremely homophobic. This behaviour is directly linked to years of sexual repression. Sometimes closeted bisexual men feel that by being homophobic their friends and family will not realise that they themselves are not completely heterosexual. This homophobia can manifest itself in passive ways through the use of derogatory slang in the presence of others, or become more extreme. Gay bashing, and aggression towards other men who are perceived to be gay are just two examples of this.
Fantasies about other men
Every man wishes that they could be somebody else now and again. Who wouldn’t want to have David Beckham’s right foot, or a body like David Gandy? For bisexual men, these thoughts become sexual fantasies. Not only that, but a bisexual man might even fantasise about men they see on the street, or on the internet. That man with the joggers you just walked past could consume your thoughts for hours!
Tactile with other men
If you’re reading this as a woman, think about whether your partner is tactile with you? Men regularly touch each other when they shake hands, hug, or hi-5. However, a bisexual man may be especially tactile with other men. Some examples are frequent arm touching and leg stroking. Your partner may even offer to massage his male friends’ shoulders. In isolation these actions are fairly innocuous. However, if your partner regularly does this, or seems to find it particularly pleasurable then this could be another sign of bisexuality.
Disinterest in sex
When a man appears increasingly disinterested in heterosexual intimacy, there is a small chance that it could be because they are bisexual. The chance is small because they could also be having an affair, or be in love with another woman.
However, if you are in a relationship with a man that you think could be bisexual, this would be one of the more obvious signs. It’s not uncommon for men who have been in a monogamous relationship with a woman for several years to become dissatisfied over time. Instead, they may yearn to spend time with a man due to their innate sexual desire, or past behaviours.
Spending more time with attractive men at a sports club, at work, or at bars could be a short term fix for them. Pressuring their female spouse into trying pegging, or anal play could also be a short term solution. However, this may not be enough for them moving forwards.
Staring intensely at other men
Humans can’t help but stare at people. Where do you think the phrase ‘people-watching’ came from? Sometimes people stare out of sheer admiration, or horror. Sometimes people stare out of lust. Either way, if you can’t help but stare at other men and compliment them then it’s a sign that you could be bisexual.
But if you find yourself only staring at men who are more muscular, or taller than you, and you have always had hang-ups about your size, then this staring could purely be linked to insecurities. Only you can tell which scenario applies most accurately to you!
Watching gay porn
Conciously choosing to watch gay porn between two consenting men is a sign that you may be bisexual. Porn categories are organised in such a way that you actively have to seek out gay porn videos, as opposed to just coming across them as you woud any other heterosexual category. When watching gay porn if you find yourself getting aroused, or wishing that you could trade places with the actors then it’s quite likely that you could be bisexual.
Sex feels right with men and women
If you have had sex with men and women, and found the experiences to be equally intimate and enjoyable then this could mean that you are bisexual. For most homosexual men (category 5 or 6 on the Kinsey Scale), the thought of sleeping with a woman is inconcievable. The same is true for heterosexual men (category 0 or 1 on the Kinsey Scale) if you asked them to consider sleeping with another man.
These are just 8 of the signs of bisexuality in males. However, as we’ve said previously, there are very few hard and fast signs that make it obvious. Only the man in question can know his true thoughts and feelings – and that’s okay!